Suicide: I will be heard

It's about 3:47. Usually I'm dozing at this time but somehow i could not get the sandman to come over today. 

Any-hoo, I go to the usual YouTubing and come across this song by the band - The Amity Affliction.

Pittsburgh is a song which speaks about Joel Birch's (vocalist) suicidal tendencies. If you have the time, then check out the video pasted in the link down below. It's amazing!

The video and the song in it self, makes people reflect on their personal lives. I myself suffered a great dark time in my life and in all honesty, 2014 was the darkest year of my life and brought me to a point where — to me — the thought of dying was a growing alternative to dealing with the pain and anxiety I was suffering. However, by the grace of God I’m still here smile emoticon

I know deep down inside some of those people who mock the subject live in fear of what they do not understand. It is easy to be on the outside of a situation behind a computer and make bold judgmental statements. I stand in strength knowing I had the guts to tell my story, so to quote a great song by HateBreed “I WILL BE HEARD.”

-The vain attempts of the few do not out weigh the large majority of you who reached out to me in support and solidarity.-

That my friends was a powerful sign to me! At the very least people are talking about the topic for better of worse.

So I say to you, reading this: You are not alone in this world. If you are depressed or suicidal, talk to someone! If not your parents, then your friends — a relative. Even just a random person who will listen. You will be amazed at the relief and clarity you can get from just simply talking about what you feel or think.

This life is fleeting and beautiful, with so many possibilities. There are ways to start your life over or heal from a traumatizing situation. God is real; he does love you regardless of how much we humans confuse, berate or dismiss his existence. We all come from different places and walks of life, but we all need to be loved or feel like we have a place in this world. If you have a friend who is suffering from any sort of depression, reach out to them, let them know you are here for them. Show love to those you care for and tell them how you feel, it may be your last chance to help them.

I would personally like to thank those people who were there in my time of need of whose names I will not mention. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Muchas Gracias mi Amigos !! :D

Here's the Link to the song - www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu3xGr-lNVI

Heard nuff'. Grow some and try something new!

I truly love it when a band has the balls to do what they want and switch it up. Fans may not "get it" or want something similar to what they are used to. I grow tired of hearing people who want bands just to produce a copy of a record they love that was from years ago. As an artist it is healthy to take risks and push forward.

Crushed - This new Parkway Drive song is so good and I'm not just saying cause I'm a huge fan and basically have them as my FB cover picture! Regardless - It is different, yes and has a hooky chorus for sure, but that is why I think it is good! Also Winston kills it on the vocals, both songs he sounds controlled and strong!

Regardless of what genre you are die hard into or how "hard" you like music, this is good music and I salute Parkway Drive, great group of dudes as well.

So far so good my friends and bands from the local scene, well done & keeping "doing you." There are enough "samey" bands out there playing it safe, nice to hear something new. To me this is Parkway Drive finding their stride for a new chapter. I like what I have heard and knowing those guys, this is the type of album they set out to make. Cheers guys! Can't wait for the album to drop.

Make sure to check out the song in the given link and big "Thumbs Up" to support their music!

                                                            =>  Crushed <=

I heard nothing....

"Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter?
And they say I'm better off now, than I ever was with her..."


As my friends take me to the local downtown, i'm smiling but i'm dying, trying not to drag my feet.

Then they say a few drinks will help me to forget her, but after one too many I know that I'll never.
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end, they all think i'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense.

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down, cause i'm shouting your name all over town!
I'm swearing if I go there now, i can change her mind, turn it all around!

So I stumble here and there along the railings and the fences. I know if we're face to face then she'll come to her senses.
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door, maybe if she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure.

I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words and maybe she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred.


So I, dialed her number and confessed to her - I'm still in LOVE but all I heard
was nothing. 

Life begun at 2008

As most of my friends know that i live and breath music. My first try at song writing was - i think during  late 2008. I scribble a lot and most of my stuff ends up in the dustbin. But this was my first full fledged lyric - so please don't be too critical. Hehe

Funny thing about this is when i wrote this, it was without any intention of dedication. But now it's ironic that I'm facing this situation. Its like I wrote a song for the future me! Anyway here it is, it's called - Be with you

P.S - At that time i used to listen to lot of Green Day, Sum 41 and Blink 182 so you know whats coming.

BE WITH YOU

VERSE ONE

Won't shed a tear now cause of you cause it really makes me weak.

All those things of yesterday still lingers me when i sleep.

All the fake goodbyes , 

The thing that really hurts me is to see you cry.

I wish i could hang on to you , cause the thing i really want is to...

CHORUS

Be with you...

Its the only thing i never managed to...

Be with you...

I dunno whether we"ll be together soon...

But i close my eyes and wish that it were true...

Be with you !!

VERSE TWO

I never bothered to the things you said , they were just like echoes to me in the dark.

I never thought that you would leave and now my whole world is torn apart.

Wish i had a another try...

Wish i could hold your hands and soar to the skies...

I'm sorry we couldn't last...

Try to move on , but my past pulls be right back...

Wish i could hang on to you , cause the thing i really want is to...

Be with you...

Its the only thing i never managed to...

Be with you...

I dunno whether we"ll be together soon...

But i close my eyes and wish that it were true...

Be with you !!

BRIDGE

Never thought i would feel so bad ,

Since your gone my radar's gone off track.

I would swim through the Seven oceans '

In the hope that you would take me back.

But now you're gone and things are never the same ,

I sit in the corner and call out your name.

Shouting , screaming , taking the blaming ...

I only hope that i could see you again...

Be with you...

Its the only thing i never managed to...

Be with you...

I dunno whether we"ll be together soon...

But i close my eyes and wish that it were true...

Be with you !!

 

Yepp that's the little rocker :P

Farewell... but wait we are gonna meet again. So this is more like - see you soon?

Death.. it is kinda intimidating. The fear of leaving behind everyone and everything that you love, that can get to you. But why is "Death" treated to be like something.... bad. Why is it that the general idea that people have about death is that it is the worst thing that could happen to a person? 

Just like it is okay to miss someone and feel sad about it, why can't we treat the two similarly? Everyone will experience death. Is it not an inevitable part of life? After all, we are just human.

Now would i want the people i love and care to come back to my life after they die? Of course - who wouldn't. I would do anything to spend a another day to get some advice about my life by grandfather. I would love to have one last jam session with Tin Tin and tell him that his face looks like someone punched a drunk gorilla. And i would definitely love to go out with my uncle and eat all all kinds of street food that we would come across.... and in that moment i would tell him how much i love him and am grateful for playing such an inspirational role in my life.

But the fact of the matter is that - i CAN'T. 

Yes, it makes me feel sad but it does not disappoint me. 

I always believe that everything happens for a reason and god has a wonderful plan for each and everyone one in this world. Sometimes it is hard and confusing to understand that - " Why does it have to be that way? ". Believe me, i ask myself the same question everyday, but as my pretty mother always says "Everything is gonna be alright in the end", i believe her. I don't have solid proof to justify that everything is gonna be alright but one thing i know is that i trust her and she has never disappointed me. If that makes me a blind believer then yes sire i am.

No, i don't not believe in "KARMA". I sure as hell do not believe that if i do enough good things in this life, my chances of being born as a toilet brush in the next is comparatively less. 
What i do believe is God and i believe as i mentioned before that he has a plan for us all. 

I do not want to go into preach mode right cause i'm the last person that anyone would want to  hear all this from. But i'm grateful for the people who are not here with me anymore but sad too as they are not here with us. Grateful for inspiring me, loving me and teaching me that everything is gonna be alright IN THE END.

"Say not in grief that he is no more - but live in thankfulness that he was...."

You got me

When the fear takes you down

When the doubt takes you under
When you sink like a stone and you can’t breathe
When the tears take control
When the demons take over
Won’t be in this alone
You got me....

When the walls all cave in
When the nights all get colder
When you hang by a thread of sanity
Rest your head on my heart
Hang your pain on my shoulders
Make your way to my arms
Cause you got me....

I’ll be the one to lead you home
I’ll be the one to keep you warm
I’ll take you in out of the storm
When you can’t stand I’ll stand up for you

When the fear takes you down
When the doubt takes you under
You’re not in this alone
You got me....

"Someday you will look back and laugh..."

“Someday you’ll look back and laugh”

This phrase has been a mantra of sorts for me for the past few years. I have suffered through depression and anxiety, and have hit rock bottom in my life more than once. I have lost sleep, stressing about how I was gonna make it to the next day. I have had numerous ups and downs in my life, I have lost dear friends and lost touch with others. However, as I look back on my life and reflect, I feel a strong sense of understanding and purpose.

I firmly believe everything we go through, all of our struggle and suffering, has a reason — a lesson, if you will. It is difficult when you are currently in a tough spot to see outside of your situation and reflect. Often times, when we push through and persevere, we have clarity and perspective. I find that perspective is so important and very necessary for personal growth.

The most important thing I have been able to take with me from all I have been through is understanding fear. Fear drives many people whether it is a lack of fear, a respect for fear or being overtaken and controlled by fear. Can you stand in the face of death, death of a loved one or the mortality of self and not be effected? There is a hidden fear even in the most fearless of us…I could go on.

To come to a conclusion, I come to laughter. What an amazing and beautiful thing laughter is. My sense of humor has been a great tool for me to cope and ease the pressure in my life. Whether its laughter among friends, laughter when watching a movie, a comedian, your favorite show or perhaps, more importantly, laughter at oneself, laughter is good medicine — period.

Some of my darkest times in life have led to some of my deepest laughter, in retrospect…now, when I say that, I am using it figuratively as well as literally. I have had moments where I look back and remember the struggle, I remember the pain and I have been able to feel relief and at times, even just sit and laugh…sometimes until the tears come.

Trust me, laughter literally and figuratively played a huge part in my life…and still does. Just remember no matter what you are going through, “This too shall pass” and when it does, for the love of life, reflect…appreciate and look back. And laugh.

Savin' Me....

"Take a breath, I pull myself together

Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you...
I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away


Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up 'til it's over
If it takes you forever, I want you to know...


When I hear your voice,
It's drowning in the whispers
It's just skin and bones, There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do, I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer to help me understand...

If you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you, I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up,'Cause I'll be waiting if you fall
You know I'll be there for you


If only I could find the answer to take it all away... "

It is true about what they say about music - it's life changing. It changes how you see things in life. It changes your perspective on simple things that you might have had a different opinion about. It changes your attitude towards your friends, family and loved ones. For better or for worse....

You can just feel good music when you hear it, you feel it in your heart, scream it out through your lungs until you feel the goosebumps all over through your body.

The year was 2008 if i recall properly and I was just getting over Bollywood and Hip Hop (believe it or not). Not that anything is wrong with that, its just that all the songs which were aired over the radio and television were themes related to partying, gambling, affairs, drugs, sex and alcohol. Add a groovy beat to it you can sway away any teenager who thinks he/she knows it all.

After some harsh events in my life, i took comfort in some of the above mentioned. Broke up with the only girl who gave a shit about me, disconnected with my family members especially my mother.
Nothing seemed right at that moment. Every thing i tried doing, i failed, miserably if i may add. Disappointed every one i know. Spent many sleepless nights thinking about how i was gonna make it through the next day. As the days progressed i did not see my situation improving until one day.

I still remember it clearly, it was during the early morning school assembly where i saw my school pastor playing the guitar on a gospel song called " Shepherd of my soul". Not that i was influenced by the song but the thing that got me was the sound coming out of the hollowed instrument. I sat there watch him play and even in the loud chitter-chatter among my friends, i could hear every note he played. 

For many days after that, assembly session would be the time i would look forward to. The rest of the day would just go by without even making any sort of difference to me but for those brief 15 mins in the morning, i would feel alive. 

Few months later, my dad would buy me my first guitar (basically the only thing i'm thankful to my dad for). It was cheap 300 buck 2nd hand fenDAR f cut guitar. It didn't come with any fancy packaging, heck it didn't even have all the strings attached. But that guitar was the best thing to happen to me in a very long time. I would spend almost the whole day locked up in my room trying to tune the damn thing. At that time i didn't have a tuner, neither a app to help me with it. At times i would get frustrated and just throw it away, but again i would pick it up and try again. After trying about gazzllion times, i finally managed to tune it and eventually learned how to play simple songs with it.

But this blog post is not about how i learned how i learned to play guitar....

Since i knew how to play easy stuff on the guitar, i decided to expand my horizons a bit and venture into the kind of music which i thought was "NOISE".
I got introduced to artists like Creed, Alter bridge, Killswitch Engage, BFMV, Linkin Park, Nickelback (Yes nickelback), Avril Lavigne, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, Bryan Adams etc. I just fell in love with the music these people created. It was so much better than the crap i used to hear. It had meaning, it had application, most importantly i could relate to it. 

As i was going through all the new music from artists from across the globe, i came across a song called Save You by then famous punk rock band called Simple Plan (i'm sure most of you have heard of them). This song even being a simple four chord song like most punk songs, gave me chills from the moment i heard it first. I remember just lying down in bed and playing it over and over again till the sun came up. Isn’t this why music is so powerful for us? We relate to music because it says all the things our hearts are screaming that we are too distracted to listen to most days. 

As mentioned above, the lyrics spoke to me, so deep that it made me cry profusely. It made me realize that there were so many people who didn't give up on me while i gave up on them. They were and still are there for me even my darkest moments. That moment i felt a unique sensation of immense joy and regret. After that night, my life has never been the same. 

We should all to try to make a difference in someone's life everyday. It can be simple as just suggesting them a good song or a good book to read. There are lots of people like me out there who are just looking for that moment of clarity in life. I'm lucky that i got mine in time to appreciate the things in my life that make me who i'm today. My friends, my family, my... ummm , never gave up on me. They were there for me even when i lost faith in all. And if you want to feel how i felt, then imagine the people who love you singing this aloud to you. 

Recognizing your emotions is okay. It is okay to feel things, and it is okay to cry, and it is okay to be so happy you can’t stop smiling. That way you feel when your favorite song comes on ? It’s okay to keep that feeling with you the rest of the day. In fact, if everyone were more open about how they felt and were more candid with their emotions, it would be easier to communicate with people. You wouldn’t be scared to have a conversation with someone.

Take a moment the next time you hear a song that makes you feel something. Take a moment and remember that feeling and allow it to really sink into your entire being. And carry that with you when you’re in a situation that calls for you to talk about or confront emotion. You’ll find music can probably make you speak more easily than anything else.

Lately i have being trying to avoid a topic - YOU.
But i guess i cannot help myself but just admit that you are all that is on my mind. From the moment i open my eyes to face the day, till the time when i close them to conclude a another day without you in my life, all that is in my mind -- its you.

Despite of knowing that, i somehow put a smile on my face and head out in search of new beginnings. Also knowing that it would all be in vain because..... well you know as they say - " The heart wants what the heart wants. "

I still walk by the alleys and all the places we've been to when we were together. And in midst of the silence of the alleys, i hear echoes of joy and laughter.

Is it normal for me to think this way? Do i sound like a total loner?

It is not right to influence a person to gain something, especially if that person is someone you love.
But i'll be selfish and say that i wish i was the guy standing next to you rather than him. But i am not....

I do not have the right to make or break a relationship and i will not be a guy who would do anything to change anything you have in your life.

Guess all that is left with me is appreciation and gratitude. Thank you for changing my life and making into a person you always wished i would one day be. I only wish that in order to gain this, you would not have had to leave. Thanking for saving a lost boy and turning his life for the better, a life to be proud of, a life that would make a mother feel that she has done her job in raising a good son..... a life that can be an example of grace and love.

Now i only wish that someday, somehow you will wake up. You will wake and realize how much i truly love you. And that day i still will be waiting round that corner for an opportunity to live life again. Breathe. Love. Give back.

*THIS IS MY VERY FIRST BLOG SO.... YEAH WHATEVER*

Anyway, let’s just get right to it. I have had a breaking point as of late. I am attempting to expand my horizons and branch out as an artist/music bug, so I am on the internet a lot.

As a writer and musician, I observe people and the world around me a great deal for inspiration. It is becoming increasingly and painfully obvious that lately, our entertainment in society is taking a hard nosedive into nonsense.

Recently, all I see on social media is stuff like the “celebrity” (for whatever reason) say X, posing nude and “revealing” her self. Massive amounts of reality television are ruling the airwaves.

I turn on the radio on occasion, just to see what is considered “pop” music these days and I hear the most mindless, ignorant phrases being repeated over and over. Songs about living for tonight and tonight let’s bang because tonight I’m yours or tonight someone drugged me…

Seriously, turn on your radio and you will hear the word “tonight” on any station multiple times.

We are living in a distracted and temporary society. We are entranced by pointless entertainment that is slowly draining the intelligence out of us all, in one way or another.

You can call this a rant, make a snide comment about it on some online forum, “troll” me, what have you…I really don’t care.

I am fed up and honestly quite confused as to why this overall dumbing down is happening these days. Why is the stupidest form of entertainment commanding the airwaves and the internet?! Why are people who are contributing nothing to art and culture have a massive skewed points of view and bias opinions? 

Well, I thought about it for a few minutes and it struck me: things are the way they are because we allow it to be so!

We are responsible for the collective “us.” This is simple supply and demand. For example, when someone posts a ridiculous article on Facebook and you click on that link because you want to see how dumb it really is, your “click” is a vote — a signal to whomever is monitoring that site that this “interests you.” I know it happens all the time, because I do it too!

As far as the reality television goes, I can’t tell you how many times I have heard “I only watch it because it’s soo dumb.” Perhaps there is that ridiculous song that you “just like the beat to” and “ignore the lyrics.” We have just got to stop this nonsense!

Granted, I know with this article, I am only talking to a small population (probably just you), but for those of you who are still reading (and not distracted by something of the internet), you are my people — I am talking to you.

We have to wise up! We need to raise the bar and not participate in all of this nonsense (the finger is pointed back at me too here). What we do on a daily basis counts for something. As small as it may seem, it matters in the long run.

Stand up for what you believe in! Pursue a dream! Fight a social injustice! Raise awareness for a good cause! Have an intelligent conversation! Turn someone on to a great band! BUY MUSIC! Shut your phone off and go for a walk in the streets! Suggest a good read to a friend perhaps…but stop participating in this stupidty.

I want to be clear here: I am all about fun and enjoying life. I have a dark sense of humor, and I participate in stupid stuff here and there for the laugh of it (ask my friends about that). However, I just feel we all could be more aware of how much we allow our minds to be steeped in stupidity. Our brains are an amazing electrified mass of potential. We are capable of profound and brilliant things. Our brain takes in what we feed it, what we allow it to absorb. If we are taking in too much nonsense, then nonsense will begin to outweigh the intelligence.

All I ask as a fellow human that still believes we as a species are capable of great things is contribute to the greater cause. Uplift and edify, teach and learn. Make a difference in somebody’s life; even if its just a small seemingly insignificant thing, it counts.

If you take time to step back and see the larger picture of this life, there is so much more than meets the eye.

The media will continue to heap massive amounts of mind-numbing content, but you have a choice to be a part of the problem or a part of the solution. Life is much too precious to waste it reading about Kim Kardashian’s big ol’ butt, the top ten celebrities who blah, blah, blah, or watch a reality show about some family and their “problems” (pay attention to your own problems!)

You have your free will, and you will do what you want regardless. I just ask, as a conscious, concerned citizen of humanity…let’s all just wise up a bit!

Thanks for reading my “rant.” Keep reading, writing and thanks for flexing that muscle between your ears.

One Love.

Keep fighting the good fight!

P.S.: Have you ever watched the movie “Idiocracy?” I avoided it for a long time, thinking it was just another stupid spoof comedy. Now that I have watched it, I realize the genius of it! This movie — although exaggerated and ridiculous — does make a very valid commentary on our current state of affairs.